tags: essay, personal, academia, science, thoughts
/ˈpaSHən/
5 a : ardent affection; love
2 obsolete: suffering
Over the past handful of years, I have had a complicated relationship with mathematics and science. My love for the subject has waned back and forth, just as a tide closes in on the shore only to disappear in what seems like moments after; the peaks and dips connecting in a sinusoidal dance, growing ever more intense with the completion of each wavelength; the crests and troughs racing along the invisible asymptotic line illustrating my affection and anger towards the concept as a whole. Of course, this is normal. Perhaps this case is more extreme than others, but the general cyclic nature of interest is intrinsic to any person and their passions.
As a child, I was mesmerized by the world of science and mathematics. Nothing would hold my attention more than seeing the universe’s nature being laid out in front of me. My desire to know seemed entirely insatiable: there was a constant torrent of “why?”s and “how?”s spewing out of my mouth, filling my search history and the ears of those around me. For most of my education, this drive was enough to push me to soaring heights. Honour roll after honour roll, I dove headfirst into the world of academics and thrived. I loved it all. I truly did. As my brain feasted on the cerebral sweets my passion for science and mathematics grew exponentially.
I loved the sciences. It was my passion. It was an integral part of my identity; so much of who was “me” was derived from the subject. But at some point, I stumbled. In the vast sea of academics, I was drowning. I sputtered, gasped, and begged for air: the cold, uncaring expanse embraced me with the warmth and softness of a metal coffin. The ocean that had once been my passion was now suffocating.
I think that “interest” is comprised of multiple levels, all of which are dependent on the intellectual stimulation and the contextual environment of the subject at hand. While I swam deeper and deeper into my intellectual and academic pursuits, the pressure slowly built up. I could feel an ever-increasing force applied across my whole being. Before I could react, I was in too deep - expectations, deadlines, and desires had consumed the forefront of my mind. First, passion turned to boredom; boredom turned to disinterest; from disinterest came disgust. While I struggled to breathe in the depths of scholarship, I grew bitter. As I floated back to the surface to swallow my first breath in years, I would never forget the embarrassment and betrayal I had felt. The sensation of my lungs filling to the brim: the suffocating nature of the ocean. Was I too ambitious? Or was I not as talented as I had believed?
Too much of anything is a bad thing. This statement holds true for many things in life: confectionaries, vitamins, minerals, and namely, passion. If I were to have all the chocolate in the world, I would eventually become bored of it. I was surrounded by the academic ocean from all sides. Unlike chocolate, I was dependent on my passion. Unlike chocolate, if I was not able to use my passion to keep up with the flow of the sea around me, I would die. From then on, each passing second fueled my disinterest in the sciences and hatred for academia. The nature of my environment demanded that I would have expressions of my passion extracted, then examined, and scrutinized, selecting every single misstep and dragging me further into the murky depths. I was tired. Exhausted. I did not want any more of this. I wanted to rest.
What passion leaves behind is mostly bittersweet memories of when love was still present. While any passion can become burnt out, I feel as though passion in science and mathematics can be differentiated. Unlike, for example, the visual arts, mathematics and science is taken much more “seriously.” A child with a passion for visual art can take classes for it, but it is not something that is required. Again, this is not to say that the artistically inclined do not have their own struggles, pressures, and burnouts, but I do think that it is different than the mathematically/scientifically inclined experience. Mathematics is something that a child will be rigorously tested for throughout their development. This can change how they will think of their passion - their talent and performance are things that should, and will, be marked. While this is not the case for every academically inclined child, I feel as though this situation happens enough for it to be further examined.
With the constant need to apply their passion at school, a dissonance forms between “hobby” and “passion.” Why is it that you rarely see a child doing calculations outside of school, whereas it is extremely common to see children drawing or playing sports? Besides the obvious answer that “it’s boring,” I believe that this is caused by how mathematical and scientific talent is treated. Their passion becomes associated with work - “why would I study math now if I just spent all day at school practicing it?”
Not every child is able to keep up with the demands and needs of school and will fall behind. The idea that their talent is something that will be marked will often stay with them and linger in the back of their consciousness. The combination of lackluster performance and the (often merely perceived) expectations of the world around them can eat away at their passion and self-esteem. This can be thought of as unintentional conditioning: their passion is now associated with poor reception, leading to a large disinterest, and worse, a distaste for the subjects that they had loved. This dispassion may worsen when they enter high school and post-secondary education. Expectations tighten. And now, academic performance matters. As opposed to elementary education, there is a very real threat from lackluster marks. Underperformance, pressure of university acceptances, university tuition fees, and degree completion can be soul-crushing.
Identity is not a fundamental aspect of a person. Rather, it is the culmination of all the fundamental aspects of a person to which they apply to themself. Athleticism, creativity, and intellectualism are all aspects that a person may use to form their identity. One’s identity, however, may not need to be based wholly on reality - this results in an “ill-fit” identity. Perhaps one believes that they are more athletic than their body will actually allow for. Due to the fluid nature of a person’s aspects, the vast majority of people will have identities that are not 100% aligned with their “true” self. As life continues, they will be affected by those around them and learn. Their identity will slowly align progressively better with their “true self,” resulting in an identity that they can comfortably apply to themself. However, environmental factors may not always result in a “well-fit” identity.
What if the environment were to teach a person that a certain trait was a fundamental aspect of their being when it is not? One’s passions are likely to be used as aspects to culminate their identity. A passion for cooking lends itself easily to the identity of a chef, amateur or professional. How is this process affected when the sense of their passion is warped?
In the case of academics, the sense of passion may be warped through the factors I have outlined prior; I will not reiterate them as it would be redundant. To put it simply, the passion for the sciences is warped into what seems like a passion for high academic performance. When this mismatched passion is used to form an identity, it creates a dissonance in the person’s mind. As the person develops and grows they will continue to think that school, and more specifically, high grades, are a part of their identity. If their performance begins to dip, it affects their identity alongside it. The visible gap between who they thought they were and who they are in that instance may lead to severe damage - it annihilates their sense of self.
Perhaps everything I have written is completely incorrect. I would not know - everything I have experienced has been through my own eyes and I have never explored these thoughts with others. More will be written in the future as I collect more thoughts and explore the idea further. Regardless, I feel as though these writings accurately detail my ideas and philosophies regarding the nature of academia and its influence on passion. Burning out and losing one’s sense of self are dangerous paths for one to go down - I hope that what I have written may give further insight into the topic and maybe even prevent others from feeling what I have felt. Thank you for reading.
Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Passion. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved April 29, 2022, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/passion